moving!!!

it's been hard for me to post anything lately because I'm so ... in process. So many things have been happening, good and bad. Gaining new friends, rekindling old ones. As well as losing some... Shallow threats offset by beautiful promises.

I was recently told by someone who I'm realizing doesn't really know me anymore that I am a "drama queen", that drama doesn't just find me but I find it. I would never wish any of this onto me... ever. I would never wish drama onto my friends or myself. But life happens. No matter how apathetic or how much one can try to distance themselves from life and it's worries, as long as you are around people "drama" will find you. Maybe it's because I care so much about my friends. I invest so much of myself into my relationships. But also I trust too easily...

In these past 2 weeks it's as if I've been experiencing and saying goodbye to old things... Hanging out with friends and having a good time... but now I'm finally stepping into what I've been preparing for all this time. Every class, every trial, every circumstance, every confrontation, every lesson, every tear, every thing has led me to this point of full time ministry. And I gladly welcome it.

Apart from temporary things like drama, God has been doing amazing things in my life. Not only did I just graduate but accepted a full time position at Lakeport Christian Center as youth pastor and worship minister. I'm so blessed and excited to start my new life in a place "nobody knows my name": aka in a place where my parents nor my brother have gone before me. I can finally be known as MARIA and not Dick and Carla's daughter or Nathaniel's sister.. Right in time I got a car, honda civic, and literally a few days before my move a beautiful place opened up to me, free of rent except for utilities.

God is so good! not just for his blessings but for who He is. I choose to praise him in my darkest nights and my brightest mornings. In both he is still faithful. I look forward to a time of true healing and restoration. I look forward to dreams being realized and chains being broken. I welcome whatever will be thrown my way because God has allowed me to experience and endure so much already, I know it was for a reason.

Well that's my update for now to whoever reads my blog. :)

change

So I've graduated :) I was surrounded by so many friends and family it was overwhelming. Overwhelming joy and overwhelming sadness. The change I had longed for was finally upon me, whether I was ready of not. Time for good byes to how things were. Time for a new season. I am living in sacramento for the month of may then moving to Lakeport because I have officially accepted a full time job as a youth pastor and worship leader. I am scared and excited all in one. I know that God has prepared me though and that this is the next chapter in my life. I'll have the chance to be independent, to spread my wings, and to focus on the task at hand.

I'm still dealing with something very painful and personal. But I know that I was allowed to endure this for a reason. And no tear shed is in vain or unseen...

some of my photography

I've been training and experimenting in photography lately. I can't afford the camera I want yet, but here is some of my work with my poo poo point and click:

Sanai - she is an amazing model!

unexpectedly...

so as mentioned a while ago, my dad had sent out 63 personalized letters with my resume to pastors all throughout the district... I'm already getting back numerous offers and inquiries. I wasn't expecting them so soon, and so many of them.

Some say that God gives you many options for you to choose yourself, and whatever you choose, he will bless (which can be biblical when looking at Abraham choosing which land he wanted). But some say that He has a perfect will for me, one position in this time in my life that was meant for me... could it be a mixture of both? All I know is that up until now, my life experience tells me that there is a church that will be perfect for me and He will guide me to it.

One of the offers is in Grass Valley, one's in Fairfield, one's in Lakeport as a full time youth pastor with benefits, one's in san francisco (where my heart longs to be), but I just need to keep in communication with them all and weight the pros and cons and pray pray pray!!!

I can't limit God. I'm not going to choose a position just because it would be more comfortable or convenient for me. What if God wants me to grow and be stretched by starting out as a youth pastor or a children's pastor and then ease into worship? I can't put him in a box or live as if my plans are somehow better than His. So... I'm trusting. Time is short, but I'm in no rush to make a rash decision. Because, after all, this is my life and a huge decision.

All I know is I have a dream that was placed into me when I was little. And that dream is soon to be birthed through me and I'm never giving up on it.

My Fav Graduation pics

Not for long

It really is true that it gets worse before it gets better. It gets juuussttt a bit uglier before it turns beautiful. Like in a refining process, when all the impurities come to the top. It looks gross, but comes out spotless and pure. I'm in process right now. All of my impurities just keep coming up to the surface and I'm having a hard time viewing myself like God does. I just see a mess. But he sees the end result. When we're in the "pit" or in the dark night of change we tend to live in the moment of our present sufferings. It's only natural. But lately I have been reminded that God is not only sovereign. But He does all things well... And there is an end to this. He is faithful to see it through till completion. And I will look back and know the purpose to my pain. Then I will look to Him and thank Him for not sparing me from any trial. It's making me who I'm meant to be, sharing in the likeness of Christ (which includes his suffering), and that is worth it all.

I'm in the cocoon, but not for long.

Jesus I'm You're Bride

I wrote these lyrics months and months ago, and struggled with the music until I gave up and set it aside. But a couple weeks ago, God finished it for me, better than I ever could. When a song is fresh and very relevant to what I'm going through, I usually can't get through it without breaking down crying, which is the case right now. I can't wait to record this:

Jesus I’m Your Bride

We’ve been apart for so long

My heart sings you this song

No more running away

This was more than I can take

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

But now I'm here in my gown

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Only you can count every tear

In the dark when no one can hear

When my wounds won’t let me sleep

You’re healing waters run deep

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

But now I'm here in my gown

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Today I say my vows

Before a silent crowd

I am my beloved’s

And my beloved is mine.