A Vespertine Haunting

"I never fall asleep.. until my thoughts crawl back to your side.."
"I'll share your ghost tonight"

This song was on repeat while heartbroken when I was 18.. And I hadn't heard it in years because it brought all those emotions back, but I secretly have been trying to remember the name of the song. Thank you Ryan for sending this to me!!

It's interesting how songs can be recycled.. This song was really suiting not too long ago. Still gotta get rid of that shirt -_-

Mini High School Reunion

Been reconnecting with some high school friends lately and we all hung out together the other night. so much fun! It's pretty cool to see who God brings into your life at certain seasons and how he orchestrates things. Love these guys!

Time to burn something

There's a white undershirt I need to get rid of asap. Don't know why I've even kept it this long.. Been in my glove box for months. I think it's the last step to finally be rid of every trace of him. I just haven't found the right way to dispose of it. A trashcan seems so.. anticlimactic. Call me dramatic, but I'm the type that burns pictures and needs a bit of symbolism when fully leaving a bad relationship behind. SO.. I think I'll have to drive somewhere that means something.. and maybe litter lol... or burn it there. I hope that's not against the law!

#movingon.

Thanks Doc

After my doctor's appointment I was asked if I wanted the flu immunization shot. Since I was sick for a straight 12 weeks last year and I have a weak immune system I said what the hey. weelll I had it and within 24 hours I now have the flue -_- Well at least a more minor version of it to "build up antibodies." Thanks for the heads up doc!!!

Miss you already

Pauline, my best friend and forever sister, is moving to Redding for school tomorrow. We've had goodbyes countless times when each of us would start another semester or when I moved to lakeport for ministry, but this time is somehow harder.. It's been an unforgettable summer and I'm so excited for her and all she's accomplishing. Many people have fallen by the wayside.. Some friends don't fully understand me, some come and go when it's most convenient, but she is a part of a small few that have never left my side and love and accept me for ME. She knows and keeps my dark secrets, is there for me in a heartbeat when I need her, and supports me no matter what. I'm so fortunate to have been blessed with a best friend and sister like her. Love you habibiti elbi

Happy 4th Birthday, Peyton :)

I got him Megatron and Optimus Prime so they could fight :)

Happy Birthday Tycee!

A bunch of us rolled out to San Francisco for a Giants game and it was really fun :) It was good to be home again, even if just for the day

Every Tear

This past week I had my last counselling session. It feels good to complete 6 full months of therapy. I feel like I know myself much better. I feel a lot freer and more confident in who I am and Whose I am. I have a lot of work yet to do within myself, but now I have the tools and perspective I need to get to get full freedom. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing... both when it is given and when it is withheld, both for the offender and the offended. Forgiveness isn't so much for the sake of the other person, but for my own sake. Unforgiveness is like a poison..

She brought back out the map of my life we made... It was linear and stretched out over multiple pages. There were different strains along the timeline for different things.. And then at the end was a vertical line and just white paper representing my future. I know it's cheesy but I'm finally ready to step over that line and move forward, not forgetting my past or throwing it away, but understanding it and not letting it haunt me or define me. His mercies are new every morning. And even though I fail and make mistakes daily, being truly known and loved by Him gives me the freedom to be myself..

I'm embracing the "good maria" and "bad maria". I'm not talking about spirit and flesh so please don't misunderstand me. Turns out the "bad maria" wasn't the bad maria at all... The "good maria" was the main culprate, the one imprisoned by rules and legalism and thinking she had to earn love, keeping the bad maria too ashamed to go to her Daddy. The bad maria makes mistakes, yes, but she is passionate and is the one who knows how to run to her Abba and fall at his feet and be broken before Him. I'm embracing all of me and starting to see myself through His eyes. His love changes everything. His love is what gets me through each day. His love is my song. His love makes me beautiful. His love makes it all worth it, every tear. None have been wasted and are precious to Him. Being fully known is so freeing. I don't need affirmation or validation from a man. My worth is found in Him. One day, when I'm ready, I long to be discovered and love my husband with all of my heart. But right now, I'm falling in love all over again with the lover of my soul. My FIRST love... and in that secret place He waits for me and finally I'm able to run to Him unashamed.

I loved you.

Once I finally opened the door

Your fire tore through me to my core

Where few have touched, you did more

You scarred, you layed waste like a plague

And then you through me away

Even with a weak heart, you gave me hope

No more crying, no more lying

That this time I was finally home

But these scars remind me

I loved you with a song

That only you knew

And heard in your soul

That called you for so long

I loved you

till my heart would bleed

Underneath your feet

And even now

In spite of me

That love runs deep

But my last tear for you,

because of you

has fallen as I sing

The brim of my sorrow is full

And I am ridding myself of you

Your healing, promises, and love

Took off their masks to reveal

Poison, lies, and everything I wish to be rid of

They’re not mine to bear, your bitterness and pain

And they keep you company, your only gain.

You tore me down so we’d be face to face

Yet you still couldn’t see me

I uncovered my wounds and unveiled my face

But all you gave was stabbing apathy

How did it feel when I walked away?

Our song never to be sung again

The heartbreak you finally repaid

To see tears creep down my face

And banish me from this place

Your prison that I called home

Did you feel better?

Are you not still alone?

After you and your misery left her

Emptiness you have sown.

Goodbye Mo Chroi

So my friend, Eli Whatley, is starting a photography business on the side and asked me to model for his portfolio. He told me to choose any location in sacramento.. In my counselling sessions, I had mentioned that there were some places in sacramento I couldn't go because it was too painful. Some places were literally like walking into another time, into my past. Even though they are scenic and beautiful, I just never brought myself to go back to them. One place in particular by the river is so gorgeous but everywhere I look I see us laughing in the grass, holding each other on the bench, gazing over the water on the rocks below, chasing each other on the dirt path.. everywhere I look there's a memory that takes my breath away. Even 5 years later.. My therapist challenged me to make new memories in these places so they didn't have a hold over me anymore, so I can finally be free.. or at least be a step closer to freedom. I never want to forget those memories. They will forever be apart of me, but a part of moving on is facing my pain head on and overcoming my fear.

So I decided to have the photoshoot by our spot, the river. Unknown to my friend, I led us spot to spot, each one that haunted me. But this time I felt triumphant over them and was able to smile and be myself.. I was a different maria than I was 5 years ago. And this time I was able to gaze over the water and take a deep breath. As I exhaled I finally let go of that love for good... and left with a smile. I accepted it for what it was, beautiful and imperfect in many ways. It's a part of me and forever will be. But the difference is there's no more bitterness or anger. Just forgiveness and moving on and the lessons learned and growth. Goodbye Mo Chroi..

here are some of my favorite pictures: