"It's all about me"

Some say God is a crutch. I say self-sufficiency is a voluntary handicap.

1am + Beef Jerkey + Benedryl =

I'm still trying to get my sleep schedule fixed...

But until then! I've been thinking about a lot of things I want to do. Who said that we have to pick one or two main things to do our whole lives? Why can't we invest in EVERYTHING we love?

For me, it's not just about ministry and music and writing. I also have a passion for photography. It gives me some small fulfillment when I see/hear a person's response upon seeing pictures I either took of them or fixed up for them. I want to capture beauty in a raw and real way. I don't want to doll people up to make them look fake, but I want to bring out their true beauty. They aren't defined by their zits, their dark bags, etc. So why include them? Many times people express sadness at the moments that were meant to last forever but can't. I want to do the impossible for them. I want to find those moments, capture them, and make them last forever.

mourning the death of capitalism

the people that run this country = EPIC FAIL. Both sides are corrupt. This bill that just passed is totally anti-constitutional and fascist. The Congress didn't listen to the American people and that's why their current rating is %15 percent. I can't wait for Nov 2nd so the people will have their voices heard.

Feds have access to my personal/private records, we foot the bill for illegal immigrants' health care, doctors are paid the same (no matter their specialty), rationing for special needs patients and cancer treatment, new ways to force people to have this new medicare, and the gov now controls my health care at the end of my life. wonderful.

Pray for America, the New World Order is on it's way, and when that happens, craps going to hit the ceiling.

http://www.examiner.com/x-17412-Macon-County-Conservative-Examiner~y2009m7d24-What-it-contains-Horrors-in-the-new-health-care-bill

late night ramblings

I'm going to the beach today for the first time in dayysss. Dang I wish i worked out more. and maybe wasn't so white. oh well it'll be fun :)

Me and shelly found an apartment yayyy. doin a month to month lease just in case I need to move somewhere else, buuuut I don't see the need for that.

I'm doing a lot better with my love/family drama. I let go, made my heart be known, and left it in God's hands. He can do better things with my mess than I can that's for sure.

I'm seriously an insomniac. I purposefully fight sleep every night and I don't know why. I think I'm weird because I don't like the idea of not knowing what's going on. I like to be conscious. I don't like the feeling of drifting to sleep. That's why I always catch myself while I drift and have to start all over again. ugh. I mean we sleep a third of our lives away! what the heck. and my dreams are either dreams that I shouldn't have or dreams that are completely insane. This rant is completely insane.

Graduation is so close it's crazy. We're making all the preparations (cap/gown/rehearsal,etc.). And I'm finishing my grad photo shoot for announcements this weekend, hopefully. It's funny cause the first half is me with reddish hair, and the second half I have dark brown.

ok I think I'm done rambling for the night

question to leave you with, what would you do if you had no fear?...

Scattered

This is a song I've been writing. Won't work acoustic, it needs a full band, so I'm working on that. It's about a past relationship, but the best songs tend to be about those :p

The sky is beautiful tonight

Stop with me, stay behind the rush

Let's stay in this moment forever

In your eyes, in the pink skies

I want you to remember when

Every song was about us

When the red skies melted into our eyes

And set our hearts on fire

This is the night that hope died

This is the night the sky cried

Over us, Over us, Over us

This is the night my heart died

This is the night that time lied

Just for us, Just for us, Just for us

My hand is cold for yours

My lips are left with a distant memory

We used to say it was like coming up for air

But we drowned, I'm going down

This is the night that hope died

This is the night the sky cried

Over us, Over us, Over us

This is the night my heart died

This is the night that time lied

Just for us, Just for us, Just for us

With morning light the dream ends

I wake up with the dread of something gone

This fierce love came with a fire

And it left me scattered to the wind

Spring Break

This break was so needed...

but I feel like I wasn't just getting a break from college and Santa Cruz. I was trying to get a break from responsibility. It's like I know a chapter of my life is ending, a chapter where certain things were not a sin, but permissible. Now I'm entering into a chapter where those things are not ok because I am being held to a higher standard. This is something I have chosen. And it's like, this spring break, I am saying goodbye to those old things.

Here are some pics: I love you all!!!

Hanging out with friends

my best friend in kindergarten :)

Bethany Friends

Reunited :)

my partner in crime

My best friend is HOT

This too shall pass

Some days I feel like this picture...

only usually it happens at night.

the other night right when I was trying to get to sleep a floodgate was opened. I wasn't even expecting it. I was tired, not just physically, but spiritually. I hate routine. oh how I hate it! I want excitement and adventure. I want to have to climb mountains and travel across oceans. I want more... There's so many voices coming at me during the day I just want to scream. Some people with the best intentions but don't have the character to handle the gifts they've been given. Lies, flattery, jokes, demands, suggestions, requests... everything. I can't be alone anymore. People wonder why I stay in my room with the door shut at night. um because that's my only place to have solitude!! I don't have a car so I can't escape to the ocean like I used to. I have to go to my room and lock myself in.

but the other night... I was really discouraged about my knees. Whenever there's bad weather, it directly effects my knees. They get stiff, swollen, and painful. Many people who came this year don't know I have knee problems. But everyone else has seen me spend the better part of 2 years on crutches. I even had someone at the beginning of this school year that I had known for a very long time come up to me and say "Wow I didn't even know it was you. I haven't seen you without crutches." "um... thanks". Is that what defined me? my problem? Now that other people aren't defining me that way, why do I still define myself as broken and not whole?

I know I am healed through Christ, even though the manifestation hasn't fully arrived. He's made a promise. and He's faithful to see it through. I know that when I look back on these years with this "thorn in my side" like Paul had, I'll understand fully why He allowed me to go through this. I'm learning so much, like how to trust Him, rely on him, slow down and enjoy life, not worry about what people think so much, be more sympathetic to those with disabilities, etc. But the real work, the real healing he's trying to do with me is in me. It would be too easy if I got healed at that Benny Hinn crusade and a month later DIDN'T have a relapse the night I was going to tell my testimony... It would have been too easy. Then how would I be able to give hope to the faint of heart? to those in despair when things just don't make sense? to those who want to blame God and get mad at him? to those who's healing comes awfully late, if at all... If I'm to be in healing ministry like I know I am,... I have to experience pain and trail so I can give hope to others that there is a sunrise to their dark night. Looking at it that way, it is oh so worth it. Jesus was a man of suffering. And if we are to share in his likeness, it doesn't just mean the glory, it means to pain as well...

"Teach me the glory of my cross. Teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that i have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows."

So the tears I cried that night are making my rainbows. Reaching the promise doesn't come without the process. And I'm going to praise him through it and for it.

My cry sounded something like, "Daddy?... why can't I run? everyone around me runs and complains about jogging or running and oh if it were me! I would run everyday and never complain. I want to play games and have my spunk back. My spirit is broken. Even when I worship I can't get on my knees to worship. So I'll run to you in my heart. I'll kneel to you in my spirit. Daddy it hurts and I'm tired of this. take it away please. I've learned my lesson, please daddy... but I trust you. (arms stretched out) be near to me tonight."

I shared that very intimate part of me cause it's ok to be vulnerable. Not enough people are transparent. It's ok to be like a child before him. to let the child within you that is insecure and totally dependent on him come out. It's precious to him.

So anyway... there was no real point to this. just sharing struggles. but i will look back on this as a testimony. This too shall pass...

oh and everyone needs to watch this video. seriously made me cry...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmm-0-Rdxo8