I know, as of late, I have only posted things of interest or pictures. I keep having to remember that a blog is NOT a journal.. There are some things that need to be kept close to your heart.. things that the whole world doesn't need to know. But I will say, without giving too much detail, that the past 6 months have been some of the hardest times of my life. I've been clinging to God for strength to even get up in the morning.. There are some days I wonder how I even made it through. I know he's been carrying me. Everything has been weighing me down until it culminated and came to a point of crisis where I finally burned out this weekend..
Satan has been doing a number on me in the condemnation and shame department. I catch myself thinking thoughts that I know aren't my own. "You're stupid. You're crazy. You mess everything up. You're a failure." That's totally demonic and not of God. But I was so weak, I actually started to believe the lies last Saturday night. I have failed in a major way, and I haven't been able to forgive myself yet. I'm already naturally hard on myself, so it's been even harder for me to hold fast to God's Word and meditate on how He really views me. I don't feel any disappointment from Him in our times together. I don't feel that He is looking on with disdain. He feels my pain and aches for me.. He wishes I could see myself the way He does.
So Saturday night, I pretty much cried all night and barely slept. I was so tempted to call in "sick" Sunday morning. The thought of facing everyone and ministering when I felt so inadequate and weak terrified me to my core. I felt paralyzed and unable to move. Marc and my dad helped me, but ultimately it was my decision to step out in faith. My dad drove me to church because I was so tired, and he prayed with me the whole way there. It was apparent to everyone I had spent the night crying. My eyes were puffy and no amount of makeup could cover the bags under my eyes. My dad told me that by me coming in spite of how I felt, it was saying that I have faith that God is able. It wasn't letting the enemy win.
I broke down in the beginning of worship. It was embarrassing, but I think it set the tone. It's good for a congregation to see the worship leader be broken before God and to be real and transparent. We had an anointed time in worship that ended with an altar call, and God literally carried me through. My voice was gone yet all of a sudden I could sing. It was all Him.. He knew I was putting my trust in Him, and not once has he let me down. In the bigger picture, it wasn't about me on Sunday. It was about all of the people coming in who are suffering far greater than I am. They needed to experience God's healing presence in worship, and the enemy was trying to keep that from happening by oppressing me and trying to make me forget who I am.
After service, someone came up to me that I had prayed for the week past. She was excited to tell me that what I prayed for was answered in a mighty, almost impossible way. This past Sunday showed me that even though I fail daily, God uses me in my brokenness. It's when I'm weak that He is truly strong because then I'm not relying on myself but only on Him. I'm still broken and I'm still being healed, but I won a huge battle this past weekend and I'm proud of myself. To any ministers who are reading this or anyone who is growing weary in what God has called you to, just put one foot in front of the other and don't give up. He will go before you and carry you through it if necessary. Keep your eyes fixed on Him and never forget who you really are, a child of the most high God.
