Scary Cleverbot

Of Cries and Goodbyes

1 shirt left in a glove box for 8 months

2 songs that bled out of me..

I had been ready to let go for so long but just kept putting it off..
When finally something very traumatic happened, yet I was suddenly filled with a new courage and strength and just started driving towards Cameron Park.

I had no clue where I was going.. The pathetic zip lock bag that represented "our relationship" was at my side and I was growing more and more frustrated by the minute as I aimlessly drove through the hills of that stupid town looking for a specific park. I had no clue what it was called or where it was. All I knew was it had geese, a lake, and a dirt path that led to picnic tables.. We had such a beautifully sad walk there right before it ended and I knew that's where I had to let go.

It was drizzling and I started to cry trying to see through the windshield. I cried outloud to God "you're going to have to show me where this place is because I'm not coming back! I need this closure today; please help me." And within minutes I saw the lake through the trees to my right and drove straight into the park. I sat in the parking lot in shock at how quickly God led me there. He only knew how much I needed this..

I took my time walking down the path with my little zip lock bag.. The cold was biting through my clothes and my nose was bright red. But I didn't care.. my jaw was set and I had been preparing for this for a long time. I finally chose a spot to leave it and when I walked away I left it all behind.

My past is my past.. It does not define me but it did help me become stronger. No more being haunted by the "what ifs" and video clips that play in my head. I'm ready for a new season, full of joy and harvest instead of a wasteland of sorrow and regret.

"I'm always dragging that horse around.
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound.

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground...."

"....but it's always darkest before the dawn."

Shake it Out - Florence + the Machine

And there it was left, to be picked up by some random stranger, washed away by the rain, or thrown in the trash. Either way it's gone, never to be my burden again.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving week my brother and his family stayed with us. It was so nice to relax and spend quality time with them, especially my darling nephew! He's such a little man, I can't get enough of him! Here are a few favorite pics:

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Mental Exercise

As I was trying to fall asleep the other night, I gave myself a mental exercise.. sort of like a challenge. Although I feel like the Holy Spirit gave me this idea to show me a point.

The challenge was to sum up how I felt about myself after each relationship I've had in only one word.. and this is what I came up with:

'06 - Ashamed

'07 - Inadequate

'08-'10 - Used

'11 - Worthless

It really put things into perspective for me... set aside all the good that existed within those relationships, the outcomes within myself took years to recover from in terms of my self image and who I really was. When I believed those things about myself, I acted a certain way.. they shaped much of my decision making. That's why it's so important to not let anyone make you lose sight of who you are and Whose you are.

The cycle has been broken and one day I'm ready to feel treasured, cherished, loved, empowered, and respected by my future husband. Until then, and of course after, He is my first love and waits for me..

removing my shame by lifting up my head

replacing my inadequacy with anointing power

lavishing me with love until I'm overflowing

and removing all doubt of my self worth

I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine..

Change for the Best

Fall really is about change isn't it?

I have been losing friends left and right.. and honestly it's rather effortlessly. It wasn't a choice of my own, but just happened. Each situation has been different.. I lost one friend that I've known for 10 years, the other for 6 years, the other for 15 years, and this most recent one I've known since middle school. Sometimes I think I'm ok, realizing how I'm not constantly drained by these people or how it was probably a good thing that we parted ways.. but then sometimes the pain catches up with me and I start reminiscing about all the good times we've had..

But the truth of the matter is.. Just like in a relationship, people change with time. And sometimes you don't change or grow in the same direction as the other person and naturally drift apart, no longer seeing eye to eye. What's important to them is not what's important to you anymore. I guess it's called growing up :/ Some friendships truly are just for a season, and that's ok.. Because God has placed new people in my life, and rekindled flames of old friendships as well.

The word "pruning" keeps coming to mind.. He's definitely been pruning people out of my life that are total drains to me, have a negative influence, are distractions, or are just plain selfish people who don't have my best interest at heart. And no matter who they were in the past, that's not who they are now. It's time to say goodbye and to move forward..

So dear friends who have left my side and parted ways.. I do not hate you. I do not resent you. But rather, I thank you and wish you the best in life, that one day you find what you're looking for and find peace with God and yourselves.

We Came As Romans - Broken Statues

Show me your hands; let me wash them clean
Show me your heart, and let me heal you

Wasting my Life Away on 9gag again...

DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!!!

Got to look at this on the way home from Redding.... :)

Nevertheless- Rest

Tonight..

I should have died. I've had many "close calls" before... where I should have been injured. But never a near death experience before.. ever.

I was on a two lane highway between Lincoln and Wheatland at night. Everyone was going about 65mph. I was the ONLY one in my lane that I had seen for about 10 miles and the lane going the opposite direction was pretty busy. Every car was at least 3 car lengths away from the next. As I was driving along, I saw a car on my side of the road up ahead with his left turn signal on trying to find an opening. He must have been only looking to the right, assuming my lane was empty, because he raced out not even 20 feet in front of me.

At that moment, I didn't even have enough time to think. Instinct took over.. The other driver froze with fear in the middle of the road (because no one let him in the other lane) as I raced toward him, probably thinking he was about to die. I would have bashed into his driver side going at least 65mph. I swerved left into the oncoming traffic, not even thinking going right (into a ditch) was an option. The first car flew out of my way and off the road, and as I was about to collide head on with the next car I braced myself for impact, my wheel turned harsh right back into my lane barely missing the car that was still horizontal in the road. All of this happened in a matter of a few seconds but time seemed to slow down..

I opened my eyes, looked in my rear mirror, still not breathing. I looked straight ahead in shock, still not sure how I made it back in my lane unscathed. Then I had an utter mental and emotional breakdown and LOST. IT. I was on my way to a meeting, so I had to pull myself together fairly quickly. I was shaking from all the adrenaline and so many things were racing through my mind...Besides the obvious ("I just almost killed someone!" "I just almost died!" so forth and so on)..

The people that came to mind were my family and close friends.. and also people from my past. I found myself remembering the last things I've said to them or that they've said to me. There's so many things I still wanted to say.. embraces I wanted to make. And I thought about people who've hurt me so much.. and wondered how they'd feel upon realizing that was the last thing they'd be able to say to me as well. What's interesting is I didn't even care about my "bucket list".. it was all about relationships.

All I know is tonight made me think really hard about what's important and what's just plain trivial. Every word I say to someone has so much more weight somehow.. because I may not see them again or they may not see me again.

I thank God for sparing me and everyone involved. It could have been so much worse...

Psalm 68:20 "God is a God of deliverance; and to God the Lord belong escapes from death."

P.S. and the student was...

'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.'The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand. 'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?' 'Yes sir, 'the student says. 'So you believe in God?' 'Absolutely. Is God good?' 'Sure! God's good.' 'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?' 'Yes' 'Are you good or evil?' 'The Bible says I'm evil.' The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!’ He considers for a moment. 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?' 'Yes sir, I would.' 'So you're good...!' 'I wouldn't say that.' 'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.' The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him.. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?' The student remains silent.. 'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. 'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?' 'Er..yes,' the student says. 'Is Satan good?' The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.' 'Then where does Satan come from?' The student falters. 'From God' 'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?' 'Yes, sir..' 'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?' 'Yes' 'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.' Again, the student has no answer. 'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?' The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.' 'So who created them?' The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them?' There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. 'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?' The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.' The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?' 'No sir. I've never seen Him.' 'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?' 'No, sir, I have not..' 'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?' 'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.' 'Yet you still believe in him?' 'Yes' 'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist... What do you say to that, son?' 'Nothing,' the student replies.. 'I only have my faith.' 'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.' The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?' 'Yes. ’ 'And is there such a thing as cold?' 'Yes, son, there's cold too.' 'No sir, there isn't.' The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. 'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit down to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.' Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer. 'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?' 'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation.. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?' 'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?' The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?' 'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.' The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed? Can you explain how?' 'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains... 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.' 'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.' 'Now tell me, professor.. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?' 'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.' 'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?' The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed. 'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?' The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided. 'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean..' The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter. 'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.' 'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?' Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I Guess you'll have to take them on faith.' 'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?' Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it Every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in The multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.' To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.' The professor sat down. If you read it all the way through and had a smile on your face when you finished, mail to your friends and family with the title 'God vs. Science' PS: the student was Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein wrote a book titled God vs. Science in 1921...

Blink-182- After Midnight

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