Jesus I'm You're Bride

I wrote these lyrics months and months ago, and struggled with the music until I gave up and set it aside. But a couple weeks ago, God finished it for me, better than I ever could. When a song is fresh and very relevant to what I'm going through, I usually can't get through it without breaking down crying, which is the case right now. I can't wait to record this:

Jesus I’m Your Bride

We’ve been apart for so long

My heart sings you this song

No more running away

This was more than I can take

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

But now I'm here in my gown

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Only you can count every tear

In the dark when no one can hear

When my wounds won’t let me sleep

You’re healing waters run deep

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

But now I'm here in my gown

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Today I say my vows

Before a silent crowd

I am my beloved’s

And my beloved is mine.

bending under the weight of the storm

"I’m so distraught. That’s the only word I can use… It’s open dorms right now and there’s music and laughter that seems to be surrounding me. I put my head on my desk, tighten my hands into fists into my hair and try not to cry too loud.

I received words tonight that were so healing by an anointed man of God… words also that were convicting. I really am keeping people prisoner in my heart by unforgiveness. I’ve been so hurt… my wounds are still fresh. Even though God is healing them, it won’t be complete unless I can let go, let go of the words they’ve spoken over me. I’m loved. I’m accepted. I’m not an outsider... wow he put the perfect word to how I've been feeling and didn't even realize it. I feel like, in my family, I'm the one who "messed up". Even though I have fruits of a life in His will, and God has told me over and over he is pleased with my decisions and choices in ALL aspects of my life, I still feel like the outsider. And their slip ups from time to time don't help either...where they remind me of my past or tell me I've chosen wrong... really feels great. They love me beyond words, but sometimes fear for someone's well being can be overpowering and push them away even more.

God will heal and restore my family. He said there is division in my own life. Pieces. It makes sense cause I feel like I’m spilled on the floor into a million pieces and I can’t put myself back together. How could I if I don’t fully know myself yet? Only He can put them back together… As he gave us godly advice on praying together, honoring each other, respecting one another, doing things right before God, … there was a look in his eye.. a look that said so much more. As if he didn’t have a peace about us being together… the look in his eye discouraged me and Satan is using it to rob me of the amazing word I received tonight because I sought after it. Was I reading into his eyes too much?...

There is a war waging inside of me. I’m bending under the weight in the storm. I haven’t broken but the tension before the break is almost making me just want to…

I'm almost there... 4 weeks. That's all. Then the real world awaits me whether I'm ready or not."

"It's all about me"

Some say God is a crutch. I say self-sufficiency is a voluntary handicap.

1am + Beef Jerkey + Benedryl =

I'm still trying to get my sleep schedule fixed...

But until then! I've been thinking about a lot of things I want to do. Who said that we have to pick one or two main things to do our whole lives? Why can't we invest in EVERYTHING we love?

For me, it's not just about ministry and music and writing. I also have a passion for photography. It gives me some small fulfillment when I see/hear a person's response upon seeing pictures I either took of them or fixed up for them. I want to capture beauty in a raw and real way. I don't want to doll people up to make them look fake, but I want to bring out their true beauty. They aren't defined by their zits, their dark bags, etc. So why include them? Many times people express sadness at the moments that were meant to last forever but can't. I want to do the impossible for them. I want to find those moments, capture them, and make them last forever.

mourning the death of capitalism

the people that run this country = EPIC FAIL. Both sides are corrupt. This bill that just passed is totally anti-constitutional and fascist. The Congress didn't listen to the American people and that's why their current rating is %15 percent. I can't wait for Nov 2nd so the people will have their voices heard.

Feds have access to my personal/private records, we foot the bill for illegal immigrants' health care, doctors are paid the same (no matter their specialty), rationing for special needs patients and cancer treatment, new ways to force people to have this new medicare, and the gov now controls my health care at the end of my life. wonderful.

Pray for America, the New World Order is on it's way, and when that happens, craps going to hit the ceiling.

http://www.examiner.com/x-17412-Macon-County-Conservative-Examiner~y2009m7d24-What-it-contains-Horrors-in-the-new-health-care-bill

late night ramblings

I'm going to the beach today for the first time in dayysss. Dang I wish i worked out more. and maybe wasn't so white. oh well it'll be fun :)

Me and shelly found an apartment yayyy. doin a month to month lease just in case I need to move somewhere else, buuuut I don't see the need for that.

I'm doing a lot better with my love/family drama. I let go, made my heart be known, and left it in God's hands. He can do better things with my mess than I can that's for sure.

I'm seriously an insomniac. I purposefully fight sleep every night and I don't know why. I think I'm weird because I don't like the idea of not knowing what's going on. I like to be conscious. I don't like the feeling of drifting to sleep. That's why I always catch myself while I drift and have to start all over again. ugh. I mean we sleep a third of our lives away! what the heck. and my dreams are either dreams that I shouldn't have or dreams that are completely insane. This rant is completely insane.

Graduation is so close it's crazy. We're making all the preparations (cap/gown/rehearsal,etc.). And I'm finishing my grad photo shoot for announcements this weekend, hopefully. It's funny cause the first half is me with reddish hair, and the second half I have dark brown.

ok I think I'm done rambling for the night

question to leave you with, what would you do if you had no fear?...

Scattered

This is a song I've been writing. Won't work acoustic, it needs a full band, so I'm working on that. It's about a past relationship, but the best songs tend to be about those :p

The sky is beautiful tonight

Stop with me, stay behind the rush

Let's stay in this moment forever

In your eyes, in the pink skies

I want you to remember when

Every song was about us

When the red skies melted into our eyes

And set our hearts on fire

This is the night that hope died

This is the night the sky cried

Over us, Over us, Over us

This is the night my heart died

This is the night that time lied

Just for us, Just for us, Just for us

My hand is cold for yours

My lips are left with a distant memory

We used to say it was like coming up for air

But we drowned, I'm going down

This is the night that hope died

This is the night the sky cried

Over us, Over us, Over us

This is the night my heart died

This is the night that time lied

Just for us, Just for us, Just for us

With morning light the dream ends

I wake up with the dread of something gone

This fierce love came with a fire

And it left me scattered to the wind