mourning the death of capitalism

the people that run this country = EPIC FAIL. Both sides are corrupt. This bill that just passed is totally anti-constitutional and fascist. The Congress didn't listen to the American people and that's why their current rating is %15 percent. I can't wait for Nov 2nd so the people will have their voices heard.

Feds have access to my personal/private records, we foot the bill for illegal immigrants' health care, doctors are paid the same (no matter their specialty), rationing for special needs patients and cancer treatment, new ways to force people to have this new medicare, and the gov now controls my health care at the end of my life. wonderful.

Pray for America, the New World Order is on it's way, and when that happens, craps going to hit the ceiling.

http://www.examiner.com/x-17412-Macon-County-Conservative-Examiner~y2009m7d24-What-it-contains-Horrors-in-the-new-health-care-bill

late night ramblings

I'm going to the beach today for the first time in dayysss. Dang I wish i worked out more. and maybe wasn't so white. oh well it'll be fun :)

Me and shelly found an apartment yayyy. doin a month to month lease just in case I need to move somewhere else, buuuut I don't see the need for that.

I'm doing a lot better with my love/family drama. I let go, made my heart be known, and left it in God's hands. He can do better things with my mess than I can that's for sure.

I'm seriously an insomniac. I purposefully fight sleep every night and I don't know why. I think I'm weird because I don't like the idea of not knowing what's going on. I like to be conscious. I don't like the feeling of drifting to sleep. That's why I always catch myself while I drift and have to start all over again. ugh. I mean we sleep a third of our lives away! what the heck. and my dreams are either dreams that I shouldn't have or dreams that are completely insane. This rant is completely insane.

Graduation is so close it's crazy. We're making all the preparations (cap/gown/rehearsal,etc.). And I'm finishing my grad photo shoot for announcements this weekend, hopefully. It's funny cause the first half is me with reddish hair, and the second half I have dark brown.

ok I think I'm done rambling for the night

question to leave you with, what would you do if you had no fear?...

Scattered

This is a song I've been writing. Won't work acoustic, it needs a full band, so I'm working on that. It's about a past relationship, but the best songs tend to be about those :p

The sky is beautiful tonight

Stop with me, stay behind the rush

Let's stay in this moment forever

In your eyes, in the pink skies

I want you to remember when

Every song was about us

When the red skies melted into our eyes

And set our hearts on fire

This is the night that hope died

This is the night the sky cried

Over us, Over us, Over us

This is the night my heart died

This is the night that time lied

Just for us, Just for us, Just for us

My hand is cold for yours

My lips are left with a distant memory

We used to say it was like coming up for air

But we drowned, I'm going down

This is the night that hope died

This is the night the sky cried

Over us, Over us, Over us

This is the night my heart died

This is the night that time lied

Just for us, Just for us, Just for us

With morning light the dream ends

I wake up with the dread of something gone

This fierce love came with a fire

And it left me scattered to the wind

Spring Break

This break was so needed...

but I feel like I wasn't just getting a break from college and Santa Cruz. I was trying to get a break from responsibility. It's like I know a chapter of my life is ending, a chapter where certain things were not a sin, but permissible. Now I'm entering into a chapter where those things are not ok because I am being held to a higher standard. This is something I have chosen. And it's like, this spring break, I am saying goodbye to those old things.

Here are some pics: I love you all!!!

Hanging out with friends

my best friend in kindergarten :)

Bethany Friends

Reunited :)

my partner in crime

My best friend is HOT

This too shall pass

Some days I feel like this picture...

only usually it happens at night.

the other night right when I was trying to get to sleep a floodgate was opened. I wasn't even expecting it. I was tired, not just physically, but spiritually. I hate routine. oh how I hate it! I want excitement and adventure. I want to have to climb mountains and travel across oceans. I want more... There's so many voices coming at me during the day I just want to scream. Some people with the best intentions but don't have the character to handle the gifts they've been given. Lies, flattery, jokes, demands, suggestions, requests... everything. I can't be alone anymore. People wonder why I stay in my room with the door shut at night. um because that's my only place to have solitude!! I don't have a car so I can't escape to the ocean like I used to. I have to go to my room and lock myself in.

but the other night... I was really discouraged about my knees. Whenever there's bad weather, it directly effects my knees. They get stiff, swollen, and painful. Many people who came this year don't know I have knee problems. But everyone else has seen me spend the better part of 2 years on crutches. I even had someone at the beginning of this school year that I had known for a very long time come up to me and say "Wow I didn't even know it was you. I haven't seen you without crutches." "um... thanks". Is that what defined me? my problem? Now that other people aren't defining me that way, why do I still define myself as broken and not whole?

I know I am healed through Christ, even though the manifestation hasn't fully arrived. He's made a promise. and He's faithful to see it through. I know that when I look back on these years with this "thorn in my side" like Paul had, I'll understand fully why He allowed me to go through this. I'm learning so much, like how to trust Him, rely on him, slow down and enjoy life, not worry about what people think so much, be more sympathetic to those with disabilities, etc. But the real work, the real healing he's trying to do with me is in me. It would be too easy if I got healed at that Benny Hinn crusade and a month later DIDN'T have a relapse the night I was going to tell my testimony... It would have been too easy. Then how would I be able to give hope to the faint of heart? to those in despair when things just don't make sense? to those who want to blame God and get mad at him? to those who's healing comes awfully late, if at all... If I'm to be in healing ministry like I know I am,... I have to experience pain and trail so I can give hope to others that there is a sunrise to their dark night. Looking at it that way, it is oh so worth it. Jesus was a man of suffering. And if we are to share in his likeness, it doesn't just mean the glory, it means to pain as well...

"Teach me the glory of my cross. Teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that i have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows."

So the tears I cried that night are making my rainbows. Reaching the promise doesn't come without the process. And I'm going to praise him through it and for it.

My cry sounded something like, "Daddy?... why can't I run? everyone around me runs and complains about jogging or running and oh if it were me! I would run everyday and never complain. I want to play games and have my spunk back. My spirit is broken. Even when I worship I can't get on my knees to worship. So I'll run to you in my heart. I'll kneel to you in my spirit. Daddy it hurts and I'm tired of this. take it away please. I've learned my lesson, please daddy... but I trust you. (arms stretched out) be near to me tonight."

I shared that very intimate part of me cause it's ok to be vulnerable. Not enough people are transparent. It's ok to be like a child before him. to let the child within you that is insecure and totally dependent on him come out. It's precious to him.

So anyway... there was no real point to this. just sharing struggles. but i will look back on this as a testimony. This too shall pass...

oh and everyone needs to watch this video. seriously made me cry...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmm-0-Rdxo8

New Season

I will be addressing a topic many people are skeptical of. This is prophecy or prophetic words for the edification of the church.

Recently, I have been hanging on by a literal thread, going day to day starving for a supernatural intervention. I kept hearing from everyone around me that "everything will be ok, God loves you, a new season is coming" etc. and I accepted that and took it to heart. I know that he speaks to us through other people, but sometimes your soul needs something that is unmistakenly from Him. I needed someone to speak over my life that didn't know me or my present sufferings. That way, I would know they were speaking by the power of the Holy Spirit. Last night I was in my room crying out to God. I was starting to not like myself so much, not just physically, but how I always seemed to cut my time short with God. If I can get so hurt when Marty has to cut his time short with me, what am I doing to God when time and time again I tell him I'll meet with him and I "ditch" him or cut it short? I started to kick myself. Also, I've been in a "dark night" for years. It's been a horrendous sequence of trials and pain. I only have survived through His grace. I've been continuing to minister to others, going to school, and working, just trusting God and believing in His promises. It's so hard to trust when you don't see anything happening, when you feel like the end of the tunnel is so far down the road, when you don't even have enough strength to get through the day, let alone another year of weeping to Him and crying out for breakthrough. Well... last night was the night he intervened. He showed me that he saw my countless nights of tears. He saw all the pain I've been going through with many physical problems and how I suffer silently and have been trusting him for his healing. He saw the stress and anxiety and weight I've been under that has absolutely gripped me. He saw. He sees me.

I have a friend from high school that I never really spoke to. He has no clue what I'm going through. We are friends on facebook and not even 20 minutes after I was crying out to God, I received a message on facebook. It read:

I feel the lord speaking over you: " My precious daughter you have been in a season of longing and panting for my presence in a new "glory" in a new light. My daughter assuredly I have heard your cry come before my throne and I have bottled up all of your tears. I have heard your prayers of "when Lord, when?" But I would say unto you get ready my daughter for there is getting ready to come a paradigm shift upon your life. There is going to be birthed inside of you a new hope for yourself and out of that hope will be birthed a dream! And you will know your purpose in this life, you will know what I am calling you to do, where I am calling you to go. You have said " Lord i just want to be used, and I say unto you my daughter surely I am using you now and will continue to do so, you are coming into a season where you will walk in a new realm of glory, a new power and a new anointing. Do you not know my daughter, that the very anointing that my son Jesus possessed is in your possesion?? Have confidence in who you are and whose you are! For surely I would say to you i do not see you the way you see yourself! When I see you I see my son in you! I am drawn to you by his light that you allow to shine forth in your surrounding atmospheres.




You know above I believe that this is what the lord is speaking over your life in this season. I was just told to write and he would speak lol. I pray that you are encouraged and empowered by the voice of your maker, cause truly he does not see you how you see yourself! He made you in the beginning and called you a VERY GOOD THING. He was very pleased with what he made. I just really feel a shift is getting ready to take place in your life. I can feel also a new love between you and marty coming, God has truly given you and Marty such a pure love of the fathers heart for each other. I just want to encourage you sis to feed your inner man the food that it needs to thrive, fill yourself with his Holy Word, if you have to get on your face and let the father love on you, do it! If all you can do is go before god and cry out "Abba Father" Do it!! He is going to heal you thoroughly in this season I believe, there has been alot of anxiety I feel and stress and worry but take part no longer in any of these things for surely you have been adopted into another family and you now have a Heavenly father that guides, governs and provides for you! Just ask and it will be given. live above your current circumstance and may your eyes be enlightened to the beauty he sees you with.

In His Service

(name)

I was weeping uncontrollably. I felt tears come from the depths that I had never allowed myself to cry before. I felt a wave of His spirit over me and an incredible peace and love. He prompted someone I barely knew to speak to me cause he saw how desperate I was. Oh prayers do not go up to God in vain! He listens, and even though his answers come awfully late, the wait is so precious! The wait makes the answer and the point of rescue all the more magnificent. Because of someone's obedience to the Holy Spirit, I had a pivotal point in my spiritual walk last night. Every single word was healing to my spirit. I haven't truly smiled like that in.... I can't remember when.. All in one night my hunger for his presence and his word was so much increased. My self image was transformed. And last night was the first night I slept without fear, without anxiety, and without depression. I went right to sleep in the arms of my Father. He broke through my night and I can see my sunrise coming.

I posted this not to share what God did for me, but what he says and sings over all of us. I know as a fact there are many people (not just women), who need to hear this. These words are for everyone. Take heart. If you haven't had that answer, that breakthrough, that healing yet. it's coming! A new season is coming and he has not forgotten you! He counts every tear and loves you so passionately.

I pray this will touch at least one person who reads it.

Our God is so great!

Maria

I Had To...

I had to become physically lame before my spirit could learn to truly run to You.

I had to bleed and feel the pains of my past before I could truly heal.

I had to stop playing and singing to let my true heart's song come forth.

I had to be silent so that I could be heard.

I had to cry through the night so I could find joy in the morning.

I had to die to myself so that I could truly live (still in process).

I had to be in a temporary prison/cocoon so I could be truly free/transformed (still in process)

I had to doubt and falter so that I could truly find faith in You.

I had to lose myself so that I could truly know who I am.

My heart had to be broken so I could be made whole.

I had to let go so that You could return it to me.

I had to dwell in darkness so that I would know your light.

I had to be still so that you could move.

I had to suffer so that I could share in your likeness.

With hold no painful road from me Lord. The trial and the wait are like treasures. It's not about the why's the how's the when's. it's about our response to the storm.