how strangely stupid is grief

My laptop is getting work done on it sooo I don't have access to pictures for the 60 survey thing I'm doin. So that'll have to wait.

I'm sick yet again. Woke up with completely swollen tonsils and a fever.

Other than that, I'm doin pretty well.

Realizing a lot of things, as if my eyes have never been truly open before.
Thankful that God stepped in and spared me from something that was totally wrong for me and would have hurt me even more if allowed to continue.

The battle is really won or lost in your perspective and remembering who you are and Whose you are. In spite of a lot of struggles right now I am full of hope.. because I don't have to conquer myself on my own.

For those of you (which I could probably count on one hand) who have read my blog titled "Stubborn Little Girl" well.. that little girl finally stopped fighting Him. Yes, some puzzle pieces of her life are startling, ugly, and make her feel ashamed. But she's finally letting Him piece it all together.. and finally has the strength to throw some away that she's been clinging to. This sifting process is very painful at times, but He is faithful and will bring me through to the other side. I can't have a resurrection without a death first..

A devotional I was reading the other day really resounds with this. After Christ's crucifixion, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary sat against his grave (Matthew 27:61). They mourned his death.

"How strangely stupid is grief. It neither learns nor knows nor wishes to learn or know." When they sat there they couldn't see beyond their grief. They probably thought, "Our Christ is gone".

"Your Christ and my Christ came from their loss. Myriad mourning hearts have had ressurection in the midst of their grief; and yet the sorrowing watchers looked at the seed-form of this result, and saw nothing. What they regarded as the end of life was the very preparation for coronation; for Christ was silent that He might live again in tenfold power.... So with us. Every man sits over against the grave in his garden, in the first instance, and says, 'This woe is irremediable. I see no benefit in it. I will take no comfort in it.' And yet, right in our deepest and worst mishapst, often, our Christ is lying, waiting for resurrection."

"Where our death seems to be, there our Savior is. Where the end of hope is, there is the brightest beginning of fruition. Where the darkness is thickest, there the bright beaming light that never is set is about to emerge. When the whole experiene is consummated, then we find that a garden is not disfigured by a grave."

Our joys are made better if there be sorrow in the midst of them. And our sorrows are made bright by the joys that God has planted aorund about them. The flowers may not be pleasing to us, they may not be such as we are fond of plucking, but they are heart flowers, love, hope, faith, joy, peace - these are flowers which are planted around about every grave that is sunk in the Christian heart."

- L. B. Cowman

aaaannndddd here's a song I like:

Day 20

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

This is a no brainer! Among the many places I'd love to see, Italy is one of my top ones. I want to discover more about my roots and family :)

Day 19

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
This is me chillin in a suitcase on the kitchen table

Day 18

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

That would have to be my appearance. And this isn't me fishing for compliments, just bein honest. This culture is rough on girls!

Can't wait to read this

This book was the number one book in America for the past year. Now it's number 2. In order for a book to reach that status it means it was read by a LOT of atheists as well as believers and is worth the read.

here is the link and description
http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Real-Little-Astounding-Story/dp/0849946158

the reviews are very interesting as well

"A young boy emerges from life-saving surgery with remarkable stories of his visit to heaven.

Heaven Is for Real is the true story of the four-year old son of a small town Nebraska pastor who during emergency surgery slips from consciousness and enters heaven. He survives and begins talking about being able to look down and see the doctor operating and his dad praying in the waiting room. The family didn't know what to believe but soon the evidence was clear.

Colton said he met his miscarried sister, whom no one had told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before Colton was born, then shared impossible-to-know details about each. He describes the horse that only Jesus could ride, about how "reaaally big" God and his chair are, and how the Holy Spirit "shoots down power" from heaven to help us.

Told by the father, but often in Colton's own words, the disarmingly simple message is heaven is a real place, Jesus really loves children, and be ready, there is a coming last battle."

Day 17

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

the power of friendship

Day 16

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Kari Jobe has always inspired me. She has a beautiful voice, unique style, and her lyrics really resonate with me. Her testimony is powerful, and she's an anointed worshiper that I really admire.

Day 15

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I really want to go skydiving. I'm literally terrified but I want to be as close to some of the most beautiful things there are... clouds :) Knowing me, once I'm done, I'll ask if we can do it again

good songs.

"Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance"

it has been an interesting week that's for sure!

My best is heartbroken and I'm spending the week up in Redding with her. I love her so much and it boggles my mind how someone could not see how precious she is and treat her so cruelly. But God is so faithful to remind us of who we are and what we deserve. He is truly close to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). Goodbyes really are new beginnings.

Been making new friends and reconnecting with an old one (Love you Caitlin!). It's good to be in Redding. Last time I was here was with Marty to see Pauline perform in a play. So it was about time to make a new memory here.

oh! and I got my bellybutton pierced! eeee!! it huuwwwt but was totally worth it. It honestly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The anticipation made it worse than what it was. It's blue and I love it :) Just in time for summer!

Something to ponder:

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours - CS Lewis

Day 14

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

My Father, my Beloved, my Friend, my everything.
Without Him, I wouldn't have made it this far.
My first love

Day 13

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

I have SO many favorite artists and bands it would literally be impossible for me to choose a favorite, but because I must I will choose Jars of Clay. They were the first band I grew to admire not only for their music, but their lyrics are so rich as well. Even though I'm not thrilled with all their albums they are an amazing band.

I also really love Hillsong United. Gorgeous melodies, theologically sound lyrics, and so anointed

(playing catch up) Day 12

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

I absolutely love sunsets, especially when they're over a body of water. There's just something about them.. I love that they're different every evening. No matter what I'm going through, I somehow can breathe a little easier when I look at a sunset. They will never get old to me

Day 11

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

I almost barfed googling mayonnaise to find a picture. bllleeggghhhh *shudder*

Day 10

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

This pic was over 5 years ago. Pauline and I have had many adventures lol some not so smart but totally worth it ;) She brings out the risk taker and fun side in me. I love you honey!

Day 9

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

My dad has always been a rock, refuge, and source of unconditional love in my life. I love him for who he is and for how he reminds me of who I am. He's who I look up to for spiritual guidance. There is freedom in being truly known by another person, and he truly knows me. Even though we fail each other, our love runs too deep to be touched by such things. I love you daddy..

Just be YOU :)

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman

I think this has a lot of truth to it.. become who you really are and do what makes you come alive. Life gives life and you will impact so many people that way. We all have a specific purpose and gifting unique to just us that no one else can fulfill. And if we realize that and discover ourselves, we'll make the world a better place.

"Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live." Margaret Fuller

Day 8

Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh

Shower Gel-o

ok so there was a shower product in my dream last night that made total sense until I woke up. But then I pondered over it and it could totally work!!! I swear I'm not crazy! maybe a little ;)

It was like a bar of soap, only for shower gel. But the consistency was that of jello, only firmer where you'd be able to use it and it wouldn't fall apart. And it came in different shapes like dolphins and stars and different colors like blue and red, etc. And I named it Shower Gel-o (Jello) in my dream.

am I just really crazy or does that sound like something people would buy?

that's my contribution to society for now.

Day 7

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

Even though he's not an "item", I treasure him most of anything I have. He's my best friend and has always been there for me. Whenever I think about him dying I cry, but I know he's had a full life of 15 years and he still acts like a puppy :) I love you Dusty

Day 6

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Rachel McAdams cause I really respect her as an actress and she's gorgeous!

Day 5

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

ah the simple life in Lake Berryessa. We had some of the best family memories here.. I miss it so much

The Battle

There is such a freedom in being truly known by someone..and wholly loved.

for not only what's beautiful and special, but for all of you, even the imperfections.

There is delight in recognizing ones true self in the gaze of another.

When the vulnerable and bare are no longer scary, but liberating..
They see your spirit man.. beneath all that hinders it.

Oh but the helplessness that takes your breath away.. when that recognition in their eyes, that look of marvel and knowing fades into dissapointment and coldness..
when you are no longer a kindred spirit, connected at the soul, but you have become a stranger to them.. reduced to commonness and the very thing they have no respect for.
When they see your flesh nature and mistake it for who you really are..

Once the look is gone from their eyes there is no getting it back. Nothing you can do or say can convince them that your unfortunate actions do not represent your heart. Cue shame, guilt, and regret. Lies indistinguishable from His truth. The love we are capable of is flawed at best. Where even unconditional has its conditions.

This battle between flesh and spirit within us is a tragic one at times with many casualties, including oneself. One must die. One must win. Those are the rules of this war. The two cannot coincide for very long. Although it is often forgotten Who was already victorious and that so are we..

Seeing sides of oneself that make you cringe is disheartening..But rather than let such ugliness consume and define you, one must fight and take back what's been stolen from you. Your worth, your dreams, who you are. Never forget who you are, Whose you are.. no matter what anyone says. You're precious, you're worth the fight. You're worth the blood that was spilled for you on that dark hill. And whether or not someone sees who you really are, your validation is in Him alone.

The higher the pedestal the harder the fall.. impossible to climb back up.
well.. I'm better off down here with no mask, with nothing to prove or to justify.
I have a fallen nature and fail the ones I love most.
But I place my hope in the One who has never and will never fail any of us.
He goes by many names, but the one he is to me right now is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord our Healer..

Day 4

Day 04 - A picture of your night.

This is kind of vague. I could put a picture of hanging out with friends or literally show a picture of last night, but I'll share my ideal night.

When I'm away from the city and can see all the stars. Once while in Jamaica I looked up at the stars and started crying because it took my breath away. I thought I knew what stars looked like until that night. You never know you're blind until you see something for what it really is. And then from that day forward anything else won't satisfy.

Day 3

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Everybody Loves Raymond

I have all the seasons :)

Day 2

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.

stood the test of time ♥ love you Dev

60 Day Picture Challenge

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

I think I’ll go into a depression when my dog dies
I’m a night owl
Music is one of my lifelines
I will never “arrive”
I’m really hard on myself
I have an extensive bucket list
I go to the movies by myself often
I’m a proud Auntie
I love photography
I’m half Italian
I tend to be a pack rat
I growl a lot without realizing it
I love celtic music
I love long drives, as long as I’m the one driving
I wish I liked tea more. Tea drinkers seem so cool to me.

That is my life

‎"My life is full of stories. But it is not always as it seems. I am alone but never lonely. I hug a bloody cross in the night hour. That is my life."

thank you Justys Renegado

Your whisper

I know the pain in your heart remains
Blaming yourself for the love that didn't stay

Aching to say the words you didn't say

But my precious, please don't give yourself away

Hold on and wait; I'm making a way

good song

when words aren't enough

5minutes on is my favorite part

quotes

These are some quotes that have resounded with me lately..

"If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best"

"Expectation is the root of most heartache."

"Unfortunately, sometimes the truth makes everything else a lie."

"Sometimes when you give up on someone, it's not because you don't care anymore but because you realize they don't."

"At the end of the day you can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's keeping you together."

"The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes & yet still sees the best in you."

"If you're convinced you're not good enough, you'll have a hard time letting someone into your life that thinks you are."

"Love doesn't require you to be perfect but it does require you to forgive."

"When you like someone, you like them in spite of their faults.

When you love someone, you love them with their faults"

"We are not the same persons this year as last;

nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we,
changing, continue to love a changed person"

"If you have reasons for loving someone,

then you are using your mind, but if you
love someone for no reason,
then you are using your heart"

"An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the

divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is
measured by fullness, not by reception"

"Patience with others is Love,

Patience with self is Hope,
Patience with God is Faith"

"Your love will never be pure unless you are free from resentment."

"Love is not losing freedom, it is sharing freedom with another.. freedom to be who they are with full acceptance"

"Lovers don't meet somewhere along the way, they're in one another's soul from the beginning"

"Love is not blind -- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less"

"I must conquer my loneliness without anyone's help save God. I must be happy with myself or I have nothing to offer you. Two halves have little choice but to join; and yes, they do make a whole. But two wholes when they coincide... that is beauty. That is love..."