It's been one of those weeks...

So I started off this week fasting facebook. I'm only on day two and I've realized how sick I was for being so dependent on mindless facebook. Don't get me wrong, there are great things about connecting with old friends, etc., but I seriously was addicted. It consumed all my free time... ALL of it lol. So this is a good thing. I have more time for devotions, more time to watch my shows, more time to sleep, more time to play on the piano, just... more time!

So sunday I led worship at a church in san francisco and eveything seemed to be going wrong! We only got to practice for 15 minutes but somehow God pulled it all together when the worship actually began. My voice opened up, the sound levels were good, and people were actually worshiping. God is so good! I'm leading again next Sunday and I'm very excited :)

But right after the service my knees were locking up and I could barely walk. Coincidence? nope... But it doesn't matter, I woke up this morning and they were fine again. Also after the service ended my right kidney was in extreme pain all day without letting up. It got so bad all I could do was lay in my room with a heating pad on my back and cry out to God for hours to make it stop. I told him, "God you've called me to go to school and to do my work. You're going to have to take this away because I can't do my work." And guess what? right at 11, it stopped all of a sudden. I dried my eyes...paused... and couldn't believe it was gone :). I was able to turn over and let my stingy eyes rest.

When we are in the ministry field all sorts of attacks will come against us. The key is to not accept physical problems but to renounce them, realize they are an attack, and rebuke them from your body. This is a war. We need to realize who we are in Christ and the keys he's given us. Anything we bind on earth will be bound in heaven as well. We can pray for things to be done on earth as they are in heaven. And guess what? there's no sickness or disease in heaven!!!

But I won't get into healing right now cause that would take me writing a book, which I just might do one day after I walk out my own testimony :)

All I know is I'm not surprised when the enemy throws attacks at me. It's actually flattering :) that he considers me a threat worth using resources and time on.

God give me the discernment to know what is of You. Give me the strength to make it through this week. Comfort me when I'm down. Lift up my head when I can't.

Love

Hold my hand in the dark

January 23rd from Streams in the Desert

"Why standest thou afar off, O Lord?" Psalm 10:1

God is "a very present help in trouble." But He permits trouble to pursue us, as though He were indifferent to its overwhelming pressure, that we may be brought to the end of ourselves, and led to discover the treasure of darkness, the unmeasurable gains of tribulation. We may be sure that He who permits the suffering is with us in it. It may be that we shall see Him only when the trial is passing; but we must dare to beleive that He never leaves the crucible. Our eyes are holden; and we cannot behold Him whom our soul loveth. It is dark - the bandages blind us so that we cannot see the form of our High Priest; but He is there, deeply touched. Let us not rely on feeling but on faith in His unswerving fidelity; and though we see Him not, let us talk to Him. Directly we begin to speak to Jesus, as being literally present, though His presence is veiled, there comes an answering voice which shows that He is in the shadow, keeping watch upon His own. Your Father is as near when you journey through the dark tunnel as when under the open heaven!

Amen... God I can't see you. My wounds are too deep. There's no light around me. I'm groping for you and can't find you, yet my spirit leaps at Your presence. You're here. Take my hand in the dark. Walk with me through fire. Heal me. Lead me. I'm yours.

hope

I can't believe this is my last semester of school... ever. It's almost unreal. I'm so used to being in school... I've been in school all my life! And now I actually get to start my own... no set markers in front of me. I feel prepared and am excited to see what doors God opens, but at the same time I'm kinda terrified with questions like, "What if I don't get a ministry position right after I graduate?" "How am I going to afford a place?", etc. but I don't have to worry about that. I'd rather live in the here and now so I don't miss out on the joys of the present by worrying about things out of my control.

God please help me through these hard days. Please give me the strength I need. Give me dreams and visions. Be near to me and speak to me. Hear my heart's cry and see my tears. I love you Daddy.

Ria

home

So I'm finally home in Sacramento. The last few years the word 'home' has been less and less defined. I grew up in Sacramento, yet I was born in San Francisco, and my residence is in Santa Cruz because I'm going to school there. So where is my home?

I've heard 'home is where the heart is', but what if my heart is in more than one place? the first two years of college when I was at home, I found myself looking forward to going back to Bethany. Then when I was at Bethany, I found myself impatient to drive back home. then I realized I just wanted to be driving. I was losing what my true home was and I felt at peace on the open road. I lived for the drive... I was "grown up" and finding my home apart from my parents, which is hard at times.

But my car died a year ago. So no more open road :( Ever since I've started serving at message of peace in south San Francisco I'm falling back in love with the city and realizing my roots and how perfectly I fit there. I could really see myself living there. I feel at home lost in the crowd, looking up at huge buildings. The sound of trolly's, the smell of the bay, the feel of fog in the morning. It's a beautiful city. As a little girl I remember being surrounded by old Italian men in their hats and brown suits smoking cigarettes and eating dry salami. To this day, 2nd hand cigarette smoke comforts me and reminds me of my Grandpa.

And I'm graduating from Bethany in just one more semester. My plan is to find someone who needs a roommate and stay in the Santa Cruz/ Scotts Valley area. If God opens the door for me to be in ministry in a different city, I will go there of course, but until He reveals that I need to make preparations. I love the culture, the people, the quirkiness :)

I missed practically the whole holidays with my family last year... so being home this year is very healing. This is the home that will always be here for me. No matter what I do or who I become, I will always have a place here.

But soon I have to go make my own home... and to be honest it's starting to excite and scare me all at once. I'm starting to allow myself to dream more, to imagine the new life in front of me.

content discontent

I'm learning to be content in any situation, even while waiting for God's promises to come to fruition. It's the ever so popular term for theologians, "the content discontentment."

There are many things external that I would like to change, that I am praying for and believing for, but only in His timing. If he did them now like my own personal Jeannie, what a loss that would be! To lose the great work he is doing in me through waiting.

My knees are so bad I haven't been able to run let alone jog in over 2 years. I went through all the stages of grief, all the questions of why and how could this be? and even recently the "when will this pass?"

But he's teaching me something so profoundly beautiful. I can run to him in my spirit even while not being able to run in the physical. My body may be "crippled" but does that mean my spirit has to be as well? No! Yet the enemy is constantly trying to make me believe that...

Same with my music. I used to write so many songs. It came so easy to me. I could write song after song as He would inspire me. But in the last couple of years, I feel as if I've lost my voice. That I've lost my music. I know it is within me, but I have a feeling it's being transformed. My song to God is always in my spirit even though I cannot bring myself to literally sing or write a song. Yes I lead worship, and God gives me the grace and ability to do so for those times. But I'm talking about my personal, inner man, song. The song of my soul that is only between me and Him. It's in there, but I haven't heard it in such a long time...

But he has promised me that I will have my voice again and he will give me music, when I am prepared and ready for that chapter in my life. Just because I am not physically singing or writing music right now that doesn't mean I can't sing to him in my soul, or make him a new song in prayer.

Oh God you are my song... You are my first love... The great love of my life. You are my husband and I am your bride.

Even though I am lame, I will run to You. And even though my mouth is closed I will sing to You.

Your daughter...

Here is a poem I wrote related to this:

Jesus I’m Your Bride

We’ve been apart for so long

Out of my despair came out a song

No more trying to run away

This was more than I can take

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Only you can count every tear

In the dark when no one can see or hear

When my wounds won’t let me sleep

You’re healing waters run deep

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Today I say my vows

Before a silent crowd

I am my beloved’s

And my beloved is mine.

New at this

As I listen to Explosions in the Sky, I'm going to take a stab at this.

So as an introduction, my name is Maria Juliana Rhoads. I'm a senior at Bethany University majoring in Music Ministry Leadership. I play the piano and sing and write my own music.

I honestly don't know why I'm creating one of these because I don't have time for it.

Buuuut I'll update it as often as I can, depending on who cares enough to follow it.

I'll be sharing my heart. Some real tough stuff. I journal as well, but there's something about knowing a stranger can see your most intimate thoughts that intrigues me. To be known, to put it out there, take me or leave me.

So signing off, Yours Truly