content discontent

I'm learning to be content in any situation, even while waiting for God's promises to come to fruition. It's the ever so popular term for theologians, "the content discontentment."

There are many things external that I would like to change, that I am praying for and believing for, but only in His timing. If he did them now like my own personal Jeannie, what a loss that would be! To lose the great work he is doing in me through waiting.

My knees are so bad I haven't been able to run let alone jog in over 2 years. I went through all the stages of grief, all the questions of why and how could this be? and even recently the "when will this pass?"

But he's teaching me something so profoundly beautiful. I can run to him in my spirit even while not being able to run in the physical. My body may be "crippled" but does that mean my spirit has to be as well? No! Yet the enemy is constantly trying to make me believe that...

Same with my music. I used to write so many songs. It came so easy to me. I could write song after song as He would inspire me. But in the last couple of years, I feel as if I've lost my voice. That I've lost my music. I know it is within me, but I have a feeling it's being transformed. My song to God is always in my spirit even though I cannot bring myself to literally sing or write a song. Yes I lead worship, and God gives me the grace and ability to do so for those times. But I'm talking about my personal, inner man, song. The song of my soul that is only between me and Him. It's in there, but I haven't heard it in such a long time...

But he has promised me that I will have my voice again and he will give me music, when I am prepared and ready for that chapter in my life. Just because I am not physically singing or writing music right now that doesn't mean I can't sing to him in my soul, or make him a new song in prayer.

Oh God you are my song... You are my first love... The great love of my life. You are my husband and I am your bride.

Even though I am lame, I will run to You. And even though my mouth is closed I will sing to You.

Your daughter...

Here is a poem I wrote related to this:

Jesus I’m Your Bride

We’ve been apart for so long

Out of my despair came out a song

No more trying to run away

This was more than I can take

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Only you can count every tear

In the dark when no one can see or hear

When my wounds won’t let me sleep

You’re healing waters run deep

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Today I say my vows

Before a silent crowd

I am my beloved’s

And my beloved is mine.