And then Suddenly

I know it's been a long time since I've made an update.
I was broadsided with heart-break and needed to work through my grief before I could "tell the world". Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but I want to proclaim God's faithfulness even in the midst of doubt, confusion, and terrible loss.

I do not wish to go into details as to betray confidence, but Marc and I broke up about 5 months ago. No closure. I had to find that closure between me and God. I had to work through my grief and pain.. I faced my dark night head on until I found morning. And I thank God I live alone because it gave me the privacy I needed to grieve. Sometimes I would spend hours on the kitchen floor unable to get up and exhausted from sobbing. But Christ's Spirit was there in a very real and tangible way to pick me up again.

I feel that the Church fails in large part about grief. Grief makes others uncomfortable, so they try to fix you by saying the typical Christienese lines. "You'll find someone else." "Everything happens for a reason" "You shouldn't be depressed because that means you're not trusting God." etc. When in fact, Job showed us the correct way to grieve. He cried out and was in agony! He cursed the day he was born! There is absolutely nothing wrong in walking through stages of grief and being sad. It only turns unhealthy when you wallow and when you give in to despair. I grieved with hope. And hope was my lifeline.

One of the main things I had to grieve and die to was Marc's family. They were my own and letting them go was so gut wrenching, I almost couldn't take the pain. But I had my closure with them thankfully. I will never regret this relationship or being a part of that precious family. I am forever changed. But when you are removed from a relationship, you are able to see things more clearly than you did when you were in the midst of it. I now realize that this was for the best. No, I don't take back what have said before about our relationship and I believe it had a purpose, but everyone has free will. And you have to continually choose to strive towards healthiness and growth. When both people don't do that, they become completely different people. But I forgave and let go. And because of this season, I have become an independent strong woman. So I wouldn't trade this experience, even with the heart ache included.

I never felt alone that whole season. God saw my heart and saw that I continued to do what he called me to do. I stood up Sunday's and led worship even though I really wanted to just fall apart. But I praised my way to victory and gave God glory even in spite of my circumstances. And I found that being completely broken was my breakthrough in worship. I was finally completely free and the anointing was so heavy. It was because I was completely dependent on God and was emptied out. That way all the glory went to Him and he was free to use me.

Then about 3 months ago a promise came to me from someone who had no clue what I was going through. God said to me:

"I will replace what the enemy has stolen.
I will raise up what's been laid down.
I will resurrect what's been put to death.
I will heal you and replace sorrow with joy."

And He did just that... in a miraculous supernatural way.

Once I finally released Marc and let go, I was able to place my heart in God's hands where it belonged all along. It never belonged in another man's hands. This way, no one will have the power to destroy me because my identity lies in Christ, not in the validation of another man.

Slowly but surely Maria was back. I had my joy again and I was at peace. I was continually going to counseling to process and to forgive. God put all my shattered pieces back together... God surrounded me with amazing, godly women who lifted me up and prayed with me. They made me laugh and reminded me of who I was. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them!

This is where the "suddenly" comes into play. And this will be hard for some to understand who don't know me or didn't walk through this dark night with me, but I have no other explanation for it but God saw me, heard my cry, and honored my faithfulness by absolutely blessing my face off!

I was very VERY closed to dating someone for a LONG time. The thought of discovering someone all over again exhausted me and seemed daunting. I was actually enjoying being single and discovering myself all over again. I actually enjoy my own company! I also was having a hard time in the trust department... I didn't know if I could open myself up to another man ever again.

Well.... it happened. Josh Edwards, and acquaintance I knew from my past, reached out if I wanted to play at a show at club retro to help raise money for a missionary. I had plans that night, and then he mentioned he plays bass if my church was still looking for a bass player. Side note: my pastor has known him for 15 years and had reached out a couple years ago asking him to play bass for us. At this point, we weren't on each others' radars and I wasn't even going there in my mind. Neither was he. This was strictly music and worship. So he asked to hang out with me to get to know each other before being on the same worship team, and a part of me absolutely freaked out.

I was noticing we liked the same things... I was VERY attracted to him... and I was scared at the amount of head space he was taking up during my day. I had asked around about him and everyone said he had a heart of gold, wonderful character and heart, a man of integrity, and the list went on. But I was so apprehensive and very closed off. I figured meeting up would be healthy for me anyway, so I agreed.

To not make a long story even longer, I won't detail the upcoming weeks. But after the first night we were inseparable. We both scared each other and were not expecting it to happen. It just did.

I wrestled with God one night with hot frustrated tears... He almost interrupted my protests and said "You told me you trusted me right? Let me bless you." and that was it. I stopped fighting it or trying to make sense of it. I just let Him bless me.

This man is tender, sweet, compassionate, loving, gentle, hilarious, strong, hard working, emotionally available and mature, and the list goes on. Our core values are in sync. All the non-negotiables are there. And he loves God with all his heart. He is a truly amazing man... He treats me in a way that frees and empowers me to be who I really am.

So we've been together for about a month, and practically everyone around us has us married off haha. My parents already met him and LOVE him... I'm still reeling and like, someone pinch me?!

This truly is my resurrection season. And I can say with confidence God is close to the brokenhearted. You're NEVER alone. You ARE worth it. God is so faithful. Hold onto hope, and never give up. The best is yet to come.

Here are some of my favorite pics: