So my friend, Eli Whatley, is starting a photography business on the side and asked me to model for his portfolio. He told me to choose any location in sacramento.. In my counselling sessions, I had mentioned that there were some places in sacramento I couldn't go because it was too painful. Some places were literally like walking into another time, into my past. Even though they are scenic and beautiful, I just never brought myself to go back to them. One place in particular by the river is so gorgeous but everywhere I look I see us laughing in the grass, holding each other on the bench, gazing over the water on the rocks below, chasing each other on the dirt path.. everywhere I look there's a memory that takes my breath away. Even 5 years later.. My therapist challenged me to make new memories in these places so they didn't have a hold over me anymore, so I can finally be free.. or at least be a step closer to freedom. I never want to forget those memories. They will forever be apart of me, but a part of moving on is facing my pain head on and overcoming my fear.
So I decided to have the photoshoot by our spot, the river. Unknown to my friend, I led us spot to spot, each one that haunted me. But this time I felt triumphant over them and was able to smile and be myself.. I was a different maria than I was 5 years ago. And this time I was able to gaze over the water and take a deep breath. As I exhaled I finally let go of that love for good... and left with a smile. I accepted it for what it was, beautiful and imperfect in many ways. It's a part of me and forever will be. But the difference is there's no more bitterness or anger. Just forgiveness and moving on and the lessons learned and growth. Goodbye Mo Chroi..
here are some of my favorite pictures:
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