Every Tear

This past week I had my last counselling session. It feels good to complete 6 full months of therapy. I feel like I know myself much better. I feel a lot freer and more confident in who I am and Whose I am. I have a lot of work yet to do within myself, but now I have the tools and perspective I need to get to get full freedom. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing... both when it is given and when it is withheld, both for the offender and the offended. Forgiveness isn't so much for the sake of the other person, but for my own sake. Unforgiveness is like a poison..

She brought back out the map of my life we made... It was linear and stretched out over multiple pages. There were different strains along the timeline for different things.. And then at the end was a vertical line and just white paper representing my future. I know it's cheesy but I'm finally ready to step over that line and move forward, not forgetting my past or throwing it away, but understanding it and not letting it haunt me or define me. His mercies are new every morning. And even though I fail and make mistakes daily, being truly known and loved by Him gives me the freedom to be myself..

I'm embracing the "good maria" and "bad maria". I'm not talking about spirit and flesh so please don't misunderstand me. Turns out the "bad maria" wasn't the bad maria at all... The "good maria" was the main culprate, the one imprisoned by rules and legalism and thinking she had to earn love, keeping the bad maria too ashamed to go to her Daddy. The bad maria makes mistakes, yes, but she is passionate and is the one who knows how to run to her Abba and fall at his feet and be broken before Him. I'm embracing all of me and starting to see myself through His eyes. His love changes everything. His love is what gets me through each day. His love is my song. His love makes me beautiful. His love makes it all worth it, every tear. None have been wasted and are precious to Him. Being fully known is so freeing. I don't need affirmation or validation from a man. My worth is found in Him. One day, when I'm ready, I long to be discovered and love my husband with all of my heart. But right now, I'm falling in love all over again with the lover of my soul. My FIRST love... and in that secret place He waits for me and finally I'm able to run to Him unashamed.