bending under the weight of the storm

"I’m so distraught. That’s the only word I can use… It’s open dorms right now and there’s music and laughter that seems to be surrounding me. I put my head on my desk, tighten my hands into fists into my hair and try not to cry too loud.

I received words tonight that were so healing by an anointed man of God… words also that were convicting. I really am keeping people prisoner in my heart by unforgiveness. I’ve been so hurt… my wounds are still fresh. Even though God is healing them, it won’t be complete unless I can let go, let go of the words they’ve spoken over me. I’m loved. I’m accepted. I’m not an outsider... wow he put the perfect word to how I've been feeling and didn't even realize it. I feel like, in my family, I'm the one who "messed up". Even though I have fruits of a life in His will, and God has told me over and over he is pleased with my decisions and choices in ALL aspects of my life, I still feel like the outsider. And their slip ups from time to time don't help either...where they remind me of my past or tell me I've chosen wrong... really feels great. They love me beyond words, but sometimes fear for someone's well being can be overpowering and push them away even more.

God will heal and restore my family. He said there is division in my own life. Pieces. It makes sense cause I feel like I’m spilled on the floor into a million pieces and I can’t put myself back together. How could I if I don’t fully know myself yet? Only He can put them back together… As he gave us godly advice on praying together, honoring each other, respecting one another, doing things right before God, … there was a look in his eye.. a look that said so much more. As if he didn’t have a peace about us being together… the look in his eye discouraged me and Satan is using it to rob me of the amazing word I received tonight because I sought after it. Was I reading into his eyes too much?...

There is a war waging inside of me. I’m bending under the weight in the storm. I haven’t broken but the tension before the break is almost making me just want to…

I'm almost there... 4 weeks. That's all. Then the real world awaits me whether I'm ready or not."