some of my photography

I've been training and experimenting in photography lately. I can't afford the camera I want yet, but here is some of my work with my poo poo point and click:

Sanai - she is an amazing model!

unexpectedly...

so as mentioned a while ago, my dad had sent out 63 personalized letters with my resume to pastors all throughout the district... I'm already getting back numerous offers and inquiries. I wasn't expecting them so soon, and so many of them.

Some say that God gives you many options for you to choose yourself, and whatever you choose, he will bless (which can be biblical when looking at Abraham choosing which land he wanted). But some say that He has a perfect will for me, one position in this time in my life that was meant for me... could it be a mixture of both? All I know is that up until now, my life experience tells me that there is a church that will be perfect for me and He will guide me to it.

One of the offers is in Grass Valley, one's in Fairfield, one's in Lakeport as a full time youth pastor with benefits, one's in san francisco (where my heart longs to be), but I just need to keep in communication with them all and weight the pros and cons and pray pray pray!!!

I can't limit God. I'm not going to choose a position just because it would be more comfortable or convenient for me. What if God wants me to grow and be stretched by starting out as a youth pastor or a children's pastor and then ease into worship? I can't put him in a box or live as if my plans are somehow better than His. So... I'm trusting. Time is short, but I'm in no rush to make a rash decision. Because, after all, this is my life and a huge decision.

All I know is I have a dream that was placed into me when I was little. And that dream is soon to be birthed through me and I'm never giving up on it.

My Fav Graduation pics

Not for long

It really is true that it gets worse before it gets better. It gets juuussttt a bit uglier before it turns beautiful. Like in a refining process, when all the impurities come to the top. It looks gross, but comes out spotless and pure. I'm in process right now. All of my impurities just keep coming up to the surface and I'm having a hard time viewing myself like God does. I just see a mess. But he sees the end result. When we're in the "pit" or in the dark night of change we tend to live in the moment of our present sufferings. It's only natural. But lately I have been reminded that God is not only sovereign. But He does all things well... And there is an end to this. He is faithful to see it through till completion. And I will look back and know the purpose to my pain. Then I will look to Him and thank Him for not sparing me from any trial. It's making me who I'm meant to be, sharing in the likeness of Christ (which includes his suffering), and that is worth it all.

I'm in the cocoon, but not for long.

Jesus I'm You're Bride

I wrote these lyrics months and months ago, and struggled with the music until I gave up and set it aside. But a couple weeks ago, God finished it for me, better than I ever could. When a song is fresh and very relevant to what I'm going through, I usually can't get through it without breaking down crying, which is the case right now. I can't wait to record this:

Jesus I’m Your Bride

We’ve been apart for so long

My heart sings you this song

No more running away

This was more than I can take

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

But now I'm here in my gown

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Only you can count every tear

In the dark when no one can hear

When my wounds won’t let me sleep

You’re healing waters run deep

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

But now I'm here in my gown

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Today I say my vows

Before a silent crowd

I am my beloved’s

And my beloved is mine.

bending under the weight of the storm

"I’m so distraught. That’s the only word I can use… It’s open dorms right now and there’s music and laughter that seems to be surrounding me. I put my head on my desk, tighten my hands into fists into my hair and try not to cry too loud.

I received words tonight that were so healing by an anointed man of God… words also that were convicting. I really am keeping people prisoner in my heart by unforgiveness. I’ve been so hurt… my wounds are still fresh. Even though God is healing them, it won’t be complete unless I can let go, let go of the words they’ve spoken over me. I’m loved. I’m accepted. I’m not an outsider... wow he put the perfect word to how I've been feeling and didn't even realize it. I feel like, in my family, I'm the one who "messed up". Even though I have fruits of a life in His will, and God has told me over and over he is pleased with my decisions and choices in ALL aspects of my life, I still feel like the outsider. And their slip ups from time to time don't help either...where they remind me of my past or tell me I've chosen wrong... really feels great. They love me beyond words, but sometimes fear for someone's well being can be overpowering and push them away even more.

God will heal and restore my family. He said there is division in my own life. Pieces. It makes sense cause I feel like I’m spilled on the floor into a million pieces and I can’t put myself back together. How could I if I don’t fully know myself yet? Only He can put them back together… As he gave us godly advice on praying together, honoring each other, respecting one another, doing things right before God, … there was a look in his eye.. a look that said so much more. As if he didn’t have a peace about us being together… the look in his eye discouraged me and Satan is using it to rob me of the amazing word I received tonight because I sought after it. Was I reading into his eyes too much?...

There is a war waging inside of me. I’m bending under the weight in the storm. I haven’t broken but the tension before the break is almost making me just want to…

I'm almost there... 4 weeks. That's all. Then the real world awaits me whether I'm ready or not."