Some days I feel like this picture...
only usually it happens at night.
the other night right when I was trying to get to sleep a floodgate was opened. I wasn't even expecting it. I was tired, not just physically, but spiritually. I hate routine. oh how I hate it! I want excitement and adventure. I want to have to climb mountains and travel across oceans. I want more... There's so many voices coming at me during the day I just want to scream. Some people with the best intentions but don't have the character to handle the gifts they've been given. Lies, flattery, jokes, demands, suggestions, requests... everything. I can't be alone anymore. People wonder why I stay in my room with the door shut at night. um because that's my only place to have solitude!! I don't have a car so I can't escape to the ocean like I used to. I have to go to my room and lock myself in.
but the other night... I was really discouraged about my knees. Whenever there's bad weather, it directly effects my knees. They get stiff, swollen, and painful. Many people who came this year don't know I have knee problems. But everyone else has seen me spend the better part of 2 years on crutches. I even had someone at the beginning of this school year that I had known for a very long time come up to me and say "Wow I didn't even know it was you. I haven't seen you without crutches." "um... thanks". Is that what defined me? my problem? Now that other people aren't defining me that way, why do I still define myself as broken and not whole?
I know I am healed through Christ, even though the manifestation hasn't fully arrived. He's made a promise. and He's faithful to see it through. I know that when I look back on these years with this "thorn in my side" like Paul had, I'll understand fully why He allowed me to go through this. I'm learning so much, like how to trust Him, rely on him, slow down and enjoy life, not worry about what people think so much, be more sympathetic to those with disabilities, etc. But the real work, the real healing he's trying to do with me is in me. It would be too easy if I got healed at that Benny Hinn crusade and a month later DIDN'T have a relapse the night I was going to tell my testimony... It would have been too easy. Then how would I be able to give hope to the faint of heart? to those in despair when things just don't make sense? to those who want to blame God and get mad at him? to those who's healing comes awfully late, if at all... If I'm to be in healing ministry like I know I am,... I have to experience pain and trail so I can give hope to others that there is a sunrise to their dark night. Looking at it that way, it is oh so worth it. Jesus was a man of suffering. And if we are to share in his likeness, it doesn't just mean the glory, it means to pain as well...
"Teach me the glory of my cross. Teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that i have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows."
So the tears I cried that night are making my rainbows. Reaching the promise doesn't come without the process. And I'm going to praise him through it and for it.
My cry sounded something like, "Daddy?... why can't I run? everyone around me runs and complains about jogging or running and oh if it were me! I would run everyday and never complain. I want to play games and have my spunk back. My spirit is broken. Even when I worship I can't get on my knees to worship. So I'll run to you in my heart. I'll kneel to you in my spirit. Daddy it hurts and I'm tired of this. take it away please. I've learned my lesson, please daddy... but I trust you. (arms stretched out) be near to me tonight."
I shared that very intimate part of me cause it's ok to be vulnerable. Not enough people are transparent. It's ok to be like a child before him. to let the child within you that is insecure and totally dependent on him come out. It's precious to him.
So anyway... there was no real point to this. just sharing struggles. but i will look back on this as a testimony. This too shall pass...
oh and everyone needs to watch this video. seriously made me cry...
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