home

So I'm finally home in Sacramento. The last few years the word 'home' has been less and less defined. I grew up in Sacramento, yet I was born in San Francisco, and my residence is in Santa Cruz because I'm going to school there. So where is my home?

I've heard 'home is where the heart is', but what if my heart is in more than one place? the first two years of college when I was at home, I found myself looking forward to going back to Bethany. Then when I was at Bethany, I found myself impatient to drive back home. then I realized I just wanted to be driving. I was losing what my true home was and I felt at peace on the open road. I lived for the drive... I was "grown up" and finding my home apart from my parents, which is hard at times.

But my car died a year ago. So no more open road :( Ever since I've started serving at message of peace in south San Francisco I'm falling back in love with the city and realizing my roots and how perfectly I fit there. I could really see myself living there. I feel at home lost in the crowd, looking up at huge buildings. The sound of trolly's, the smell of the bay, the feel of fog in the morning. It's a beautiful city. As a little girl I remember being surrounded by old Italian men in their hats and brown suits smoking cigarettes and eating dry salami. To this day, 2nd hand cigarette smoke comforts me and reminds me of my Grandpa.

And I'm graduating from Bethany in just one more semester. My plan is to find someone who needs a roommate and stay in the Santa Cruz/ Scotts Valley area. If God opens the door for me to be in ministry in a different city, I will go there of course, but until He reveals that I need to make preparations. I love the culture, the people, the quirkiness :)

I missed practically the whole holidays with my family last year... so being home this year is very healing. This is the home that will always be here for me. No matter what I do or who I become, I will always have a place here.

But soon I have to go make my own home... and to be honest it's starting to excite and scare me all at once. I'm starting to allow myself to dream more, to imagine the new life in front of me.

content discontent

I'm learning to be content in any situation, even while waiting for God's promises to come to fruition. It's the ever so popular term for theologians, "the content discontentment."

There are many things external that I would like to change, that I am praying for and believing for, but only in His timing. If he did them now like my own personal Jeannie, what a loss that would be! To lose the great work he is doing in me through waiting.

My knees are so bad I haven't been able to run let alone jog in over 2 years. I went through all the stages of grief, all the questions of why and how could this be? and even recently the "when will this pass?"

But he's teaching me something so profoundly beautiful. I can run to him in my spirit even while not being able to run in the physical. My body may be "crippled" but does that mean my spirit has to be as well? No! Yet the enemy is constantly trying to make me believe that...

Same with my music. I used to write so many songs. It came so easy to me. I could write song after song as He would inspire me. But in the last couple of years, I feel as if I've lost my voice. That I've lost my music. I know it is within me, but I have a feeling it's being transformed. My song to God is always in my spirit even though I cannot bring myself to literally sing or write a song. Yes I lead worship, and God gives me the grace and ability to do so for those times. But I'm talking about my personal, inner man, song. The song of my soul that is only between me and Him. It's in there, but I haven't heard it in such a long time...

But he has promised me that I will have my voice again and he will give me music, when I am prepared and ready for that chapter in my life. Just because I am not physically singing or writing music right now that doesn't mean I can't sing to him in my soul, or make him a new song in prayer.

Oh God you are my song... You are my first love... The great love of my life. You are my husband and I am your bride.

Even though I am lame, I will run to You. And even though my mouth is closed I will sing to You.

Your daughter...

Here is a poem I wrote related to this:

Jesus I’m Your Bride

We’ve been apart for so long

Out of my despair came out a song

No more trying to run away

This was more than I can take

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Only you can count every tear

In the dark when no one can see or hear

When my wounds won’t let me sleep

You’re healing waters run deep

Unfaithful, I’ve broken Your heart

How could I let them tear us apart?

Coming down the aisle to Your side

Jesus I’m Your bride

Today I say my vows

Before a silent crowd

I am my beloved’s

And my beloved is mine.

New at this

As I listen to Explosions in the Sky, I'm going to take a stab at this.

So as an introduction, my name is Maria Juliana Rhoads. I'm a senior at Bethany University majoring in Music Ministry Leadership. I play the piano and sing and write my own music.

I honestly don't know why I'm creating one of these because I don't have time for it.

Buuuut I'll update it as often as I can, depending on who cares enough to follow it.

I'll be sharing my heart. Some real tough stuff. I journal as well, but there's something about knowing a stranger can see your most intimate thoughts that intrigues me. To be known, to put it out there, take me or leave me.

So signing off, Yours Truly