That Italian Girl: June 2011

So I had a dream two nights ago that I just can't shake..

I've been in kind of a haze, replaying it in my head over and over, wiping away slow moving tears that escape through the work day. And whenever a dream hits me hard like this, I can't shake it unless I put it into words. Then I can leave it behind.

I was starting a new relationship... although I soon realized it was just like an old one, only with a different face (who happens to be a very handsome movie star that will remain nameless haha). We were discovering each other. Everything was so exciting, so intimate. He was waxing poetic and telling me how amazing I was. He even noted things I never thought admirable about myself before. He said I was everything he was looking for. I felt like I could fly.. I felt so confident, like someone finally knew everything about me and accepted me for every piece, good - bad - and ugly.. I felt beautiful and cherished.

This all happened in one day that lasted countless hours.. We were rough-housing at one point, just being silly, and I got the upper hand and knocked him over and ran away laughing. I came back later that night and he was standing at the top of the stairs with his bags packed. (we WEREN'T living with each other lol so that part doesn't make sense). But I think it was more symbolic that he was leaving..

He looked different.. he was pale and lifeless. He didn't show one single emotion.. I almost wished he would have shown some sort of hatred or bitterness or rage... SOMETHING. "The opposite of love isn't hatred; it's indifference." He was completely apathetic, which hit me to my core. How could someone go from talking about marriage to just... not caring anymore? It doesn't make sense.. And maybe it didn't make sense to him either.

I knew it was over and I asked, "That was it?" like saying, "me pushing you over was too much?" I was trying to figure out what I did wrong.. But deep down I was waiting for this to happen since it seemed too good to be true. I just didn't think it would be so soon. He nodded and then started telling me all the things wrong with me.. how he "summed me up" in one day and realized I wasn't a good person, or who he thought I was, and that I didn't truly love him and was only playing games with him, etc. Then I realized who I was really dreaming about..

A familiar ache crept back into my chest and made it hard to breathe. Instead of weeping I just lifted my head up high, set my jaw, and didn't say a word. Every fiber of my being wanted to justify myself, plead with him "it's me.. it's me, don't you know me?" I wanted to lash out that he was judging too quickly or list all the things equally wrong with him.. I wanted to tell him he was projecting his issues onto me and deflecting blame off of himself, but no words made it from my mind to my lips because I knew nothing I could say would change his decision. His mind was made up.. I just stood in silence and watched him leave. I became numb and couldn't feel anything. I sat down and just accepted it, counting my losses.

I woke up feeling drained.. and the grief hit me again *sigh*

Might as well face the pain, even if it's just in doses.
I'd rather work through this now rather than stuff it and let it come back down the road.

I've finally realized it wasn't my fault, in spite of my mistakes.

You just couldn't recognize real love when it was right by your side.

And that's something you will have to live with, not me.